Back to school....
Our agency requires an "adoption education" component to be included in our home study. I started the online courses and have enjoyed the first course, which I completed today.
The course included strategies and ideas for discussing adoption with your child. Adult adoptees have given the adoption profession feedback on what type of dialogue is helpful. The course provided examples of interactions as well as general reminders regarding strong communication. Thankfully, it included some concrete strategies for fostering an environment in which children are most likely to express their feelings.
The following is a synopsis of the ideas I hope to integrate in to our home life.
Remember to focus on feelings versus the content of messages. For example, if a child talks about hating their birhmother or hating me for that matter, remember to focus on getting to what they are really trying to express. I feel like this is a good reminder in most interpersonal interactions.
The course served as a good reminder of developmental stages. According to the professionals who created this course, the ages 8-10 are particuarly critical in identity formation. Many experts feel a child should know all of the details surrounding their adoption before the onset of puberty, around age 12.
This course offered some concrete strategies for discussing adoption.
They suggested creating a "Life book" for the adopted child. This book contains all hospital records, photos of the orphanage and caregivers, information on birthparents if available, information on the area from which the child comes, etc. It is an attempt to reconstruct for the child some of their history.
Other suggestions were to light a candle on Mother and Father's day for the birthparent, celebrate homecoming day, have a library stocked with developmentally appropriate adoption themed books and movies. Have magazines with adoption themes. In other words, let the environment itself communicate the idea that we are not hiding from this topic.
It is important to remember that many children go through a phase in which they do not want to discuss adoption. At this point, it is best to leave the door for further communication open but follow their lead.
Telling the adoption story early and often is another theme I hear repeatedly. By the age of 8-10 children become less literal and are able to read between the lines. In order for our daughter to have gained us as a family she had to lose one. This is the tragedy behind the joy. This is the "paradox of adoption" according to Cheryl Register, an author and adoptive mother.
Just as it will be difficult for me not to take it personally when and if Nikki decides to cultivate a close relationship with her birth family, it will be difficult for her not to take her relinquishment personally. This is no small issue. There is some very dramatic language in adoption literature to communicate this idea. "Primal wound" is one which comes to mind.
The main point I took away from this is to listen. Really listen. So many times it is tempting to treat communication as a transaction instead of an opportunity to connect. It is effortlessto focus on the content and try to refute it or put it to rest. Slowing down and listening for the cues that can lead us to real intimacy with another human being is the true point of this course. The tips and tools are practical ways to foster this type of interaction.
While the online course I recently completed was of great value, the books I have read have been like searching for gold. I have found some valuable insights, but mostly it has been a bunch of sand and dirt.
It is October and I have finally completed my second online course. It is about being a "conspicuous" family. Since it will be obvious Nikki is adopted, we need to be prepared for intrusive questions. The course emphasized three primary ways to deal with questions: humorous, privacy guarding and informational. With a stranger at the grocery store, humor and privacy guarding may be the best approaches. With family members, divulging some information when appropriate may be the best course of action.
The main point is to take the spotlight of the child and on to the entire family. For example, if someone tells you that your baby is "lucky", it is best to reply with "we are all lucky, aren't we?" No one wants to feel like their parents are sainted for simply parenting them. Another question frequently asked is "how much did he cost?" An appropriate response to this would be "less than your C-section and a lot less painful".
Some situations call for more privacy guarding. For example, one adoptive mother was asked if her child was "one of those crack babies". To this, she replied " I will forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering."
Some people are asking for their own information. Perhaps they are interested in adopting or know someone who may want to adopt internationally. Using one's judgement and replying in ways that do not turn the spotlight on your child is key. No one wants to feel like a walking public service announcement.
Personally, I will have to remember I am setting an example for my child in answering unsolicited questions from strangers. I also need to remember that their intentions are generally good. These inquiries will provide opportunities for us to affirm our family and our daughter's place in it.
The course included strategies and ideas for discussing adoption with your child. Adult adoptees have given the adoption profession feedback on what type of dialogue is helpful. The course provided examples of interactions as well as general reminders regarding strong communication. Thankfully, it included some concrete strategies for fostering an environment in which children are most likely to express their feelings.
The following is a synopsis of the ideas I hope to integrate in to our home life.
Remember to focus on feelings versus the content of messages. For example, if a child talks about hating their birhmother or hating me for that matter, remember to focus on getting to what they are really trying to express. I feel like this is a good reminder in most interpersonal interactions.
The course served as a good reminder of developmental stages. According to the professionals who created this course, the ages 8-10 are particuarly critical in identity formation. Many experts feel a child should know all of the details surrounding their adoption before the onset of puberty, around age 12.
This course offered some concrete strategies for discussing adoption.
They suggested creating a "Life book" for the adopted child. This book contains all hospital records, photos of the orphanage and caregivers, information on birthparents if available, information on the area from which the child comes, etc. It is an attempt to reconstruct for the child some of their history.
Other suggestions were to light a candle on Mother and Father's day for the birthparent, celebrate homecoming day, have a library stocked with developmentally appropriate adoption themed books and movies. Have magazines with adoption themes. In other words, let the environment itself communicate the idea that we are not hiding from this topic.
It is important to remember that many children go through a phase in which they do not want to discuss adoption. At this point, it is best to leave the door for further communication open but follow their lead.
Telling the adoption story early and often is another theme I hear repeatedly. By the age of 8-10 children become less literal and are able to read between the lines. In order for our daughter to have gained us as a family she had to lose one. This is the tragedy behind the joy. This is the "paradox of adoption" according to Cheryl Register, an author and adoptive mother.
Just as it will be difficult for me not to take it personally when and if Nikki decides to cultivate a close relationship with her birth family, it will be difficult for her not to take her relinquishment personally. This is no small issue. There is some very dramatic language in adoption literature to communicate this idea. "Primal wound" is one which comes to mind.
The main point I took away from this is to listen. Really listen. So many times it is tempting to treat communication as a transaction instead of an opportunity to connect. It is effortlessto focus on the content and try to refute it or put it to rest. Slowing down and listening for the cues that can lead us to real intimacy with another human being is the true point of this course. The tips and tools are practical ways to foster this type of interaction.
While the online course I recently completed was of great value, the books I have read have been like searching for gold. I have found some valuable insights, but mostly it has been a bunch of sand and dirt.
It is October and I have finally completed my second online course. It is about being a "conspicuous" family. Since it will be obvious Nikki is adopted, we need to be prepared for intrusive questions. The course emphasized three primary ways to deal with questions: humorous, privacy guarding and informational. With a stranger at the grocery store, humor and privacy guarding may be the best approaches. With family members, divulging some information when appropriate may be the best course of action.
The main point is to take the spotlight of the child and on to the entire family. For example, if someone tells you that your baby is "lucky", it is best to reply with "we are all lucky, aren't we?" No one wants to feel like their parents are sainted for simply parenting them. Another question frequently asked is "how much did he cost?" An appropriate response to this would be "less than your C-section and a lot less painful".
Some situations call for more privacy guarding. For example, one adoptive mother was asked if her child was "one of those crack babies". To this, she replied " I will forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering."
Some people are asking for their own information. Perhaps they are interested in adopting or know someone who may want to adopt internationally. Using one's judgement and replying in ways that do not turn the spotlight on your child is key. No one wants to feel like a walking public service announcement.
Personally, I will have to remember I am setting an example for my child in answering unsolicited questions from strangers. I also need to remember that their intentions are generally good. These inquiries will provide opportunities for us to affirm our family and our daughter's place in it.
posted by Mom to brown eyed kids | 5:37 PM
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