Serendipitous Fingerprinting

During this home study phase, we are to get clearance from two Texas specific criminal and child abuse and neglect agencies. We also are to get fingerprinted by INS in order to get a federal check. Yesterday I went to get our Texas Department of Safety fingerprints completed.

I was required to go to our main police station downtown and called a taxi to take me home. The taxi driver looked to be of Indian descent. We started talking about India, the adoption and our upcoming trip. He was a wealth of information.

When I mentioned to him the public opposition to international adoption in India and the concerns about taking a child out of her culture, he told me that very few Indians even fully understand India.

According to him, there are fourteen major languages and twenty two languages spoken in total. There is tremendous religious diversity. Even within the Hindu religion, there are vast differences. He relayed that one group of Hindus carries brooms of peacock feathers in order to clear the ground of bugs before they will walk on it. They feel killing any living thing is wrong and do not want to do so even inadvertantly. While many Hindus are vegetarian, still others do not eat vegetables which grow under the ground. They believe vegetables such as potatoes, onions and garlic will drive people to be dominated by their base desires.

He also told me to expect a lot of confusion and maintain flexibility and to stay in the moment, connecting with the people. This sounds like good advice for living life in general. He emphasized that the rules change everywhere you go. For example, the procedure for purchasing a ticket and boarding a train in one station will not be the same at another station, even within the same city.

According to Charles, India is broadly delineated in to two regions, north and south. Both areas speak English, as English is India's official language. However, in the south English is more prevalent.

While I have two books to read and three online courses left to take to meet our home study requirement, I am really looking forward to switching gears and learning more about our child's fascinating culture and heritage.

I also find myself thinking more about her birthmother as she is most likely very pregnant or has already placed her for adoption. I am near tears every time I think of how excrutiating this must be for her. I know there will be a place in her heart that never quite heals, no matter how full her future life may become. Anyone who carries a child for nine months and labors to bring her in to the world understands the intensity of the love you feel for your baby. I think about the potential external conditions driving her decision and how unjust they are and it makes me deeply and profoundly sad.

Then I look for God in all of this. Where is he when people are in their darkest hour? I believe he is at work in all of us. I think about the second and third and millionth chances we are given through Christ.

Maybe we are able to give Nikki's mother her second chance. A chance to know that while her pregnancy was not as she planned, the beloved creation who grew within her is loved already by a family, even though, to them, she is not yet physically known.

Homestudy

Today we had the first part of our home study. Our social worker is a really open person who we enjoyed getting to know. She seems like she would be someone's beloved grandmother.

Showing up twenty minutes early, I was very happy she found my dear husband in a nice button down shirt and shaven. He was waiting until the last minute to put on his "good clothes" so they would not get ruined. Being a little stressed by his love of the unshaven, escaped from the institution during fingerpainting look, I threw down the rare "request". We have a non-negotiable tool that we can use when we feel particularly strongly about something. It is called "the request". Cheesey? Maybe, but it works. I do not like to use "the request" too frequently but am relieved it was leveraged this morning.

Twenty minutes before she was scheduled to arrive, our doorbell chimes. Our two year old loves people coming to the door. She runs down the foyer, hollering "someone at da door!!". We all three greet the social worker. I am sure she was thinking to herself "how many people does it take to open the door?".

So we do the obligatory offer of a drink and sit down on the sofa. We were a little taken aback when she took us up on an offer for a gin and tonic....Not really, but that would make the narrative far more entertaining. So, we chat about our marriage, our family dynamics, our philosophies on parenting and discipline, etc.

She interacted with Charlie quite extensively. They played together, she asked her about the cats, her toys, etc. Charlie fell in love with this woman. She kept crawling in to her lap, petting her hair, talking to her non-stop. It was our lucky day.

After over 3.5 hours, a house and a yard tour and what amounted to two individual and one couple's interview/ therapy session, we were finished with the first part of our home study. The next visit will be scheduled in a couple of weeks.

It was a really worthwhile use of time. I enjoyed getting to know her, learning about her opinions on the various resources out there and asking her for direction on some topics. She has been an adoption social worker for over thirty five years. Her common sense perspective was a much needed one and it was an enjoyable experience, toilet bleaching and all. :)

Back to school....

Our agency requires an "adoption education" component to be included in our home study. I started the online courses and have enjoyed the first course, which I completed today.

The course included strategies and ideas for discussing adoption with your child. Adult adoptees have given the adoption profession feedback on what type of dialogue is helpful. The course provided examples of interactions as well as general reminders regarding strong communication. Thankfully, it included some concrete strategies for fostering an environment in which children are most likely to express their feelings.

The following is a synopsis of the ideas I hope to integrate in to our home life.

Remember to focus on feelings versus the content of messages. For example, if a child talks about hating their birhmother or hating me for that matter, remember to focus on getting to what they are really trying to express. I feel like this is a good reminder in most interpersonal interactions.

The course served as a good reminder of developmental stages. According to the professionals who created this course, the ages 8-10 are particuarly critical in identity formation. Many experts feel a child should know all of the details surrounding their adoption before the onset of puberty, around age 12.

This course offered some concrete strategies for discussing adoption.

They suggested creating a "Life book" for the adopted child. This book contains all hospital records, photos of the orphanage and caregivers, information on birthparents if available, information on the area from which the child comes, etc. It is an attempt to reconstruct for the child some of their history.

Other suggestions were to light a candle on Mother and Father's day for the birthparent, celebrate homecoming day, have a library stocked with developmentally appropriate adoption themed books and movies. Have magazines with adoption themes. In other words, let the environment itself communicate the idea that we are not hiding from this topic.

It is important to remember that many children go through a phase in which they do not want to discuss adoption. At this point, it is best to leave the door for further communication open but follow their lead.

Telling the adoption story early and often is another theme I hear repeatedly. By the age of 8-10 children become less literal and are able to read between the lines. In order for our daughter to have gained us as a family she had to lose one. This is the tragedy behind the joy. This is the "paradox of adoption" according to Cheryl Register, an author and adoptive mother.

Just as it will be difficult for me not to take it personally when and if Nikki decides to cultivate a close relationship with her birth family, it will be difficult for her not to take her relinquishment personally. This is no small issue. There is some very dramatic language in adoption literature to communicate this idea. "Primal wound" is one which comes to mind.

The main point I took away from this is to listen. Really listen. So many times it is tempting to treat communication as a transaction instead of an opportunity to connect. It is effortlessto focus on the content and try to refute it or put it to rest. Slowing down and listening for the cues that can lead us to real intimacy with another human being is the true point of this course. The tips and tools are practical ways to foster this type of interaction.

While the online course I recently completed was of great value, the books I have read have been like searching for gold. I have found some valuable insights, but mostly it has been a bunch of sand and dirt.

It is October and I have finally completed my second online course. It is about being a "conspicuous" family. Since it will be obvious Nikki is adopted, we need to be prepared for intrusive questions. The course emphasized three primary ways to deal with questions: humorous, privacy guarding and informational. With a stranger at the grocery store, humor and privacy guarding may be the best approaches. With family members, divulging some information when appropriate may be the best course of action.

The main point is to take the spotlight of the child and on to the entire family. For example, if someone tells you that your baby is "lucky", it is best to reply with "we are all lucky, aren't we?" No one wants to feel like their parents are sainted for simply parenting them. Another question frequently asked is "how much did he cost?" An appropriate response to this would be "less than your C-section and a lot less painful".

Some situations call for more privacy guarding. For example, one adoptive mother was asked if her child was "one of those crack babies". To this, she replied " I will forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering."

Some people are asking for their own information. Perhaps they are interested in adopting or know someone who may want to adopt internationally. Using one's judgement and replying in ways that do not turn the spotlight on your child is key. No one wants to feel like a walking public service announcement.

Personally, I will have to remember I am setting an example for my child in answering unsolicited questions from strangers. I also need to remember that their intentions are generally good. These inquiries will provide opportunities for us to affirm our family and our daughter's place in it.

What is in a name?

Obviously, we have decided to name our new daughter Nicole. I have a friend who is very dear to me named Nicole and so I have a positive association with this name. My girlfriend Nicole or "Nicky" will be our little Nikki's godmother. We also like the name Anna and have some inspirational, loving and dear women named Anna in our lives.

However, the combination of Anna and Nicole yields Anna-Nicole. I will forever associate Anna-Nicole with the voluptous blonde whose tragic life was televised for public consumption. Hey, I am not here to judge, I just do not feel it.

So, with Anna-Nicole already spoken for, we brainstormed a variety of options. When praying about the adoption, I kept coming across the name "Priya". It is a Hindi name which means "beloved". Thinking this just beautiful and loving the way it flowed with Nicole, we initially had decided on Priya Nicole.

My husband then attended a seminar on international adoption. Some adult adoptees spoke of their experiences and how they felt giving a child an ethnic first name was not the best idea. Yet, we did not want to give her a name which conjured up images of a fair haired, freckled child. That did not seem right either.

So, we pondered. We do a lot of that. It is a good thing my husband and I are married to one another for a variety of reasons. Our love of pondering being one of them.

We decided against Priya because we thought she might not like it. It seemed a little risky. The next step was to find other Indian names which could be Americanized. We thought Kiran was nice, but thought it would end up being mistaken for Kieran. Kieran paired with our very Scotch- Irish last name does not fit an Indian daughter.

Instead, we committed to an Anglo first name and keeping her orphanage name as a middle one. The names we liked were Josephine (Josie), Samantha (Sammy) and Nicole (Nikki). We solicited input from our families. Since we did not include them in naming our first child, we thought this would be a fun way for everyone to be involved. Anyway, they favored Nicole. This seemed right given our affinity for my dear friend Nicky. Strangely enough, it also was the name that my parents had chosen for me before I was born. They decided after I was born that I did not look like a Nicole. Anyway, it also has a spectacular ring to it with our last name which has a hard "C".

So, there we have it. Nicole it is... It is nice giving her a name. It starts to shape her as a real little person.

Formal Application Approved

I heard from our social worker at the adoption agency and our "formal application" has been approved! We did not foresee any glitches, but it felt great to get the official email.

The next step is for our agency to mail us the Citizenship and INS application packet. We will file a form in order to get approval to adopt a "foreign orphan". This will be done concurrent with our home study.

Our agency told us the home study process is approximately ninety days. The agency will assign a social worker who will visit our home up to four times and write a report. The social worker's responsibility is to ascertain how well our family can meet the needs of another child as well as assess the strength of our marriage.

There are all kinds of very humorous stories about home studies. People going to elaborate lengths to bleach toilet bowls and the like. With a very spirited two year old and a house full of cats, I am accepting that it is going to be what it is... Hopefully the social worker will pack his or her Benadryl if needed. The massive amounts of pet dander could send him or her in to some sort of allergic reaction.

The home study has this great potential for sit-com like scenarios. I can almost see the cast members of "Growing Pains", a favorite show of mine in the '80s, gathered around with overly animated expressions of alarm, fretting over doilie placement on the coffee table, burning some sort of appetizer, watching in horror as the toilet overflows, staring slack jawed as the toddler squats to pee on the floor...Really the possibilites are just endless.

Some acquaintances who recently had a home study done asked their social worker what it would take to get declined. Would wearing the stereotypical tank reminiscent of the TV show "COPS" do the trick? What about Mom is a red pleather micro mini? Junior getting a really traumatic spanking? One wonders....

Of course, there is always the story of the seemingly balanced couple who was rejected for some relatively insignificant reason. There are not many stories like this, but just enough to support a mild anxiety about the whole experience.

I am sure I will engage in some frantic cleaning myself. It just seems instinctual. A professional is coming over solely to judge, what else would you do?! Just sit and wait for the inevitability of possible rejection? No no, we must do something, however inane.

We also are required to take six internet courses during this three month period. They average about 2.5 hours each and cover a range of adoption related material. When I first read about this agency specific requirement, I had a very high school like response...I complained about yet another requirement. Now, I am embarrassed by my negativity. The first course was well designed and informative. The topics include attachment issues, talking about adoption, becoming a family of color as well as some introspective excercises.

The agency also included a catalog which I discovered today as I was putting some things in to the most massive three ring binder I have ever owned! This catalog is published by Tapestry, a publisher of adoption related books. I plan to do quite a bit of reading relating to the adoption in the next couple of months and will post reflections on the books.